Another Fucking Growth Opportunity

Words that come to me constantly, make me feel heavy and leave me rolling my eyes with overwhelming confusion. At the same time, when I come upon another layer of shit and the frustration it brings, deep inside I jump out of happiness as I know that it’s an opportunity to cleanse and release what no longer suits me. An opportunity to grow. A reason to celebrate! But for me – very painful reason as this is hard and distressing work resulting in changes in my mental, emotional but also the physical body. Thus I bump from fever to cold, from stomach disorders to throat infections, from being tired like a baby to insomnia, from feeling bliss to piercing irritation that makes me grit my teeth…
I realised that all I used to do in such moments was running away from anything that triggered AFGOs and if turning away wasn’t possible I’d numb myself by any means – stimulants, food, multiple distractions were my ways out of this painful processes for many years. And the moment came when they stopped working… 

The realisation that I use them only to run away from myself was the moment I couldn’t use them anymore. Therefore I can’t run, I can’t hide even if I wish to do so. And the truth is I don’t want to run anyway. And days like that I ask the Ocean and the Sun for more patience. So I can keep going so I can let go – the anger, the powerlessness, the anxiety. Those comparing to fear or sadness are the hardest emotions to deal with and to let go of. The ‘darkest’ of them seem to be frustration which brings up bile, resentment or will to destroy everything around me and disappear at the end of the World. Today is yet another day she is my companion, showing up on the lazy Saturday Morning, messing up my plans and ideas for the day off. It pushes me heavily to the floor, sucks the energy and projects itself sneakily onto a close person as it is so much easier to accuse them of my bad mood. It’s hard to acknowledge that no one else carries the responsibility for my life and all the painful emotions are my own burden and there is no external culprit.
It is 2 months now that the AFGO became a regular visitor and I exactly know why. As much work as I did in the last years it was all about the relationship with myself, other women, family and friends whilst not with a partner as it is impossible to do this work without getting into a meaningful relationship. All this time when I was in my aloneness was strongly needed but the time has come to meet the biggest challenge – loving someone without expectations, loving without judgement, loving just for who they are. This is a tough lesson exposing the status of my self-love as how I see and treat my partner is a mirror of how I see and treat myself. And this is a whole new level of awareness and transition to invite. This transition is happening but it takes a lot of effort, pisses me off, tightens my jaw and stomach and makes me want to scream out of anger. And then it just gives me this simple reflection that all it takes is just to take a deep breath and fucking let it all go…